Interview – Flamingo 50

(originally published in Inform Magazine, December 2002)

We’re proud to welcome local radio DJ and former champion of Atomic Kitten Mike Flange to the magazine, as he attempts to sift amongst the local music scene and find the stars of the future. His first guest is Louise, singer with noisy trio Flamingo 50. Remember, he’s doing this because he wants to help.

Hello Flamingo 50. Now I understand you’re a big sound on the local music ‘live’ scene. If you can’t get any bigger crowds, then why do you still continue?
Because we don’t know any better/ we are thick/ don’t know when people are getting bored with us (we are like the dumb ass that doesn’t know he’s got no friends because the people who he thinks are his friends just find him completely annoying)/ we didn’t know we were allowed to stop. We think we kick big rock firey ass…
That’s a wacky name you’ve got there. Was that the best you could come up with?
Yes. Where did we find the inspiration? At my mum’s house – it’s the name of her fucking boiler system. How mundanely craptacular is that. I hate birds especially pink ones – that’s crap imagery ain’t it? I’m not too sure about the “50” part either – it’s a bit “Matchbox 20”…
I understand you use guitars and drums. Isn’t that all a bit outdated now, what with samplers and keyboards and drum machines?
Yes it’s incredibly backward thinking. I’m too dumb to use technology – I don’t have the patience. You can’t jump around with a drum machine. Hold on – maybe you can. That’d be good – stick on a strap and you’re away! Mind you, I don’t wanna turn all electroclash bollocks. You have to be fashionable – bollocks to that. We just do it to keep Andy’s Drum Clinic in business – them snare skins don’t last for long y’know.
How are you going to compete with the big boy and girl bands? You know, people more popular than you.
I can’t cope with them – they are just so good. My confidence is at rock bottom right now. The quality of Lame Academy and Mop Stars the Ribalds is simply too great. We are splitting up in fact – after we’ve finished the reality tv series we are working on. We are in competition with each other and are being voted out each week. It’s very tense – it should be finished in, oh, say 3 weeks time.  It’ll be on cable most probably – be sure to catch it.
I’m almost certainly sure I haven’t got that channel. Now, do people actually enjoy your gigs?
No you buffoon. If I can gauge a reaction from people whilst we play it’d be a miracle because the “audience” are all normally stood at the bar getting the drinks in before the real bands start.
I doubt this, but have you written any songs that are good enough to have a decent-sized hit record?
Oh yeah, we have got a huge back catalogue of waiting-to-be-discovered hits, Pete Waterman has been helping us write them and he’s producing them as we speak – so watch this space because apparently they are good enough to challenge the man Darius.
The evergreen Boney M got two records in the Top 10 all time biggest selling British singles. Shouldn’t you be doing more what they do?
Yes we love the disco – it is gradually becoming a more profound influence. I think you’ll find that the classic Queen album Hot Space springs to mind when you hear our most recently recorded work.
Now that sounds good. I understand there’s two women in your band. Now I’m no sexist (I’m Mike Flange) but surely this is just a gimmick?
Yeah well don’t tell anyone but Karen is a man and the Flamingo 50 is just a vehicle for Morgan who is the puppet master to take over the world by his
musical genius. The female-fronted thing is a good gimmick to use as a front for the time being but that is simply the beginning – Morgan will soon be crowned King of Menfolk and the Other People.
Seeing as it’s nearly Christmas, have you ever thought or writing a song that celebrates the joys of the season. If you get Max Bygraves to cover it, it could make a lot of money.
Good idea – do you wanna be our manager?
Er, can I pass on that until I’ve seen you? I mean you might be making money, so I don’t want…
Perhaps our Shakin’ Stevens cover isn’t hitting the right mark. Anyway the Crimbo Season is only for twats who write it as “Xmas”… idiots.
What do you think of that dreadful new Nirvana single, and aren’t you glad he shot himself rather than make any more records like that?
That’s a bit “deadist” isn’t it? Just because he killed himself doesn’t mean you’re allowed to slag him off. I’d be hurt if someone said that about me after I’d killed myself – you ought to be ashamed. You should know that once you die all your creative output suddenly becomes very very good and critically acclaimed. SHAME ON YOU.
Yes, well. Louise from Flamingo 50. Thank you very much.
Fuck you.
Okay, get her out of here please. Next month: some chancers called Cabletwitch apparently.

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About klausjoynson
I'm a writer, editor, musician, DJ and cartoonist. Contact me at: klausjoynson(at)gmail.com or follow me on Twitter: @KlausJoynson

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