Top Ten – Things I Learnt from Watching the Movies

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, June 2005)

1. If you happen to be catching a train, and you’re in a bit of a hurry, don’t worry about paying for a ticket. Simply vault over the security barrier. Don’t worry, it will always be low enough so you can clear it easily.

2. Still in the station, don’t bother with the escalators. Just slide down the metal bit between the handrails. There won’t be any sharp, pointy bits to bar your progress.

3. Morgan Freeman has a wise old head on him.

4. The Eiffel Tower can be viewed from any window in Paris. Similarly, any street in London has at least five big red buses and 30 black taxis.

5. If a secret agent is called in the middle of shaving he will never finish the shave before leaving the bathroom, but always arrive in the next scene clean shaven. And if he’s got stubble, it will always be exactly the same length, even over many months.

6. You can never damage a car so badly that it will be completely undriveable. Also, heroic types can get beaten and shot multiple times but still recover enough to carry on, whilst evil types tend to fall down dead if you blow on them.

7. Murderers always confess everything as soon as the detective cracks the case, rather than keeping schtum and waiting for their smart-arsed lawyer to point out all the holes in the unconventional detective’s equally unconventional methods.

8. 48 hours is the generally accepted length of time for anyone to have leeway or a last chance, “just this once.”

9. If you’re in a trench under attack from a hail of bullets, don’t worry about keeping your head below the lip of the trench – nobody will ever hit you.

10. People on stakeouts park a few yards down the road from their intended target in plain sight, but are strangely never seen.

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About klausjoynson
I'm a writer, editor, musician, DJ and cartoonist. Contact me at: klausjoynson(at)gmail.com or follow me on Twitter: @KlausJoynson

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