Top Ten – Things I Learnt from Watching the Movies

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, June 2005)

1. If you happen to be catching a train, and you’re in a bit of a hurry, don’t worry about paying for a ticket. Simply vault over the security barrier. Don’t worry, it will always be low enough so you can clear it easily.

2. Still in the station, don’t bother with the escalators. Just slide down the metal bit between the handrails. There won’t be any sharp, pointy bits to bar your progress.

3. Morgan Freeman has a wise old head on him.

4. The Eiffel Tower can be viewed from any window in Paris. Similarly, any street in London has at least five big red buses and 30 black taxis.

5. If a secret agent is called in the middle of shaving he will never finish the shave before leaving the bathroom, but always arrive in the next scene clean shaven. And if he’s got stubble, it will always be exactly the same length, even over many months.

6. You can never damage a car so badly that it will be completely undriveable. Also, heroic types can get beaten and shot multiple times but still recover enough to carry on, whilst evil types tend to fall down dead if you blow on them.

7. Murderers always confess everything as soon as the detective cracks the case, rather than keeping schtum and waiting for their smart-arsed lawyer to point out all the holes in the unconventional detective’s equally unconventional methods.

8. 48 hours is the generally accepted length of time for anyone to have leeway or a last chance, “just this once.”

9. If you’re in a trench under attack from a hail of bullets, don’t worry about keeping your head below the lip of the trench – nobody will ever hit you.

10. People on stakeouts park a few yards down the road from their intended target in plain sight, but are strangely never seen.

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Top Ten – Things People Fight Against in Films

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, May 2005)

1. City Hall

2. The Man

3. The closing of a tourist attraction, even if it means the death of some tourists

4. That non-existent South American drug-dealing country

5. Jerry

6. The alien threat/supernatural entity that no-one else will believe in

7. A muslim splinter group practicing their own form of jihad

8. A ‘woman’s disease’

9. A physically/mentally deformed former friend

10. Some product of experimentation with genetic manipulation which has bit the hand that fed it

Top Ten – Most Annoying People at 2am in Town

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, May 2005)

1. The ‘psychopath’ of lads bullying their way down the street and shouting abuse/sexual suggestions at any passing man/woman.

2. The proclivity of same for coming right up in front of you and smashing your face in ‘for a laugh’.

3. The rivers of piss that are impossible to avoid stepping in, and the girls who walk down the street in their bare feet because their shoes are only practical enough for walking ten yards at a time.

4. The cars parked everywhere, causing people to have to walk in the street, where there are usually cars speeding around full of lads, none of whom have heard of the concept of ‘designated driver’.

5. Similarly, the car completely stuffed with girls, who are far more interested in animatedly chatting about whatever it is girls talk about, rather than worrying about not running people over.

6. How it’s possible for you to stand still for 10 seconds and have at least three people ask you ‘what you sellin’?’

7. The couple of 14 year old girls speeding headlong towards teenage pregnancy who you want to tell to go home and enjoy your childhood whilst it still exists.

8. The way you can never get anything even approaching decent, cheap-ish food at that hour; the world seemingly having been taken over by the dreaded over-priced kebab/burger/pizza triumverate.

9. How the music the DJs play at the end of their nights always seem to be the worst records known to human folly.

10. The habit of people of standing right in front of oncoming taxis and waving their arms, and the habit of said taxis to bomb around at 70mph in the presence of these maniacs.

Top Ten – New Euphemisms for Masturbation

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, March 2005)

1. Putting up the money for the Fourth Grace
2. Making Matt Lucas say his catchphrase
3. Tickling the Sontaran
4. Making Bez dance
5. Logging on the net
6. Taking Homer to Moe’s
7. Working on something for the Biennial
8. Going for an extra thick milkshake
9. Hats off to beat crime
10. Writing a letter to the Radio Times

Top Ten – Ten Most Annoying People In Clubs

(originally published in Inform Magazine, March 2005)

1. The drunken blokes who think they’re the only ones having a good time, who tend to dance like four year olds on a sugar rush and who are able to clear a dance floor faster than Steeleye Span.

2. The slightly oily guy who stands as far away from the dancefloor as possible and disparages any record being played to those people on their way to the toilets from the dancefloor.

3. The two blokes right in the middle of the dancefloor who don’t/can’t dance , but instead dare each other to chat to any woman within a 20 metre vicinity.

4. The person who stands right next to the DJ booth hoping to catch some of the reflected glory of the DJ without actually doing anything other than looking superior.

5. The group in front of you at the door who will try and chat with the guy taking money for half an hour.

6. The member of the doorstaff whose job it seems to be to bulldoze through the middle of the dancefloor every ten minutes ensuring that people don’t enjoy themselves too much.

7. The group of girls who are out on the pull who will happily drink themselves to oblivion and giggle at anything whatsover as loudly as possible.

8. The bloke who hasn’t danced to a thing all night but annoys the DJ by asking for twenty requests and gets narky when only twelve are played.

9. The football terrace of blokes standing around the dancefloor and ogling all the women dancing.

10. The DJ who arrives with the bunch of records he’s going to damn well play no matter if the 2,000 people in the room would only want to hear them if they were under threat of their livers being forcibly removed.

Top Ten – New Slogans for Liverpool

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, February 2005)

1. We’ve Got Big Skips
2. Don’t Be A Tool – Come To Liverpool!
3. 4% Less No-Good Street Punks Since Last Week
4. Get Drunk, CHEAP!
5. Homosexuals Bitterly Tolerated Here
6. We’ve Got More Canals Than Scarborough
7. Where the Only Filth You’ll See Are the Police
8. Guaranteed Cilla Black Free Since 1971
9. Only the Poor People Smell
10. We Don’t Know Nothing About Double Negatives

Top Ten – People Who Can’t Be Trusted

(Originally published in Inform Magazine, January 2005)

1. People in Baseball Caps

They’re either surly, pseudo-cool, middle class adolescents or people who have never grown up from being surly, pseudo-cool, middle class adolescents.

2. Students with Too Much Money

There’s something just not right about students who have very expensive clobber and tend to do coke in posh bars every night.

3. Angry Artists

They’re invariably unreasonably bitter and it doesn’t take much for you to be the object of their ire.

4. Architects

Must all love extra slippy floor tiles that will have you breaking your neck at the first hint of rain, or concrete plazas that only attract skatepunks.

5. Socialist Worker Firebrands

Like artists, it only takes one misjudged word for you to be labelled ‘worse than a Nazi’ or some other equally ludicrous concept.

6. Blokes in Tight T-Shirts.

Okay you work out, but there’s no need to go flaunting it around like Jordan on a night out.

7. Men Who Have Hair Transplants

I’m not sure why, but it must be true.

8. People Who Have Reformed or Been Born Again

These people were usually the most selfish bastards imaginable. You really think they’ve changed?

9. People Who Only Ever Bitch About All Your Friends

And yet they would never talk about you behind your back. Yeah right.

10. Anyone who says ‘I’m not being funny but…’

Too right you’re not being funny. However you are being incredibly rude and don’t pretend otherwise.

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